he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
