You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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