we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My penis needs a shock collar
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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