why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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