I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Too much gin, very little bucket
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
