His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
do herpes really smell.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
