Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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