the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i think i have herpe
just one?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
This is classic penis vs brain.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Lo siento on account of my penis...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
