i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
