If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
