apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
