So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
