Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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