I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
