bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize