Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
