I just pynch a tree in the face
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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