her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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