i jhust puked up my retainher.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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