I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Someone shit on the floor
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
