That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize