i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
