Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
