great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
