Your dad touched me again.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
