i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
