We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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