So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
