he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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