Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
