i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
