every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
