dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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