Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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