A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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