Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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