Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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