when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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