I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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