Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
