Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
