I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
