She is in my trunk
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
