I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
