Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
