Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize