gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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