im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
