omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
