Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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