my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
