every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
