He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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