me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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