Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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