Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
