so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
