im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
