if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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