Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
